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 Jalal Zabari is a financial aid administrator for a suicide bombing school in the lawless tribal regions of Pakistan. Once a very lucrative business, Zabari frets that the global financial crisis is impacting their bottom line. He also cites a rise in suicide loan default rates, something he attributes to the fact that most borrowers usually kill themselves long before even making a payment.
THE LAWLESS TRIBAL LANDS OF PAKISTAN – Jalal Zabari runs a suicide-bomber recruitment center in an undisclosed location in the eastern parts of the lawless tribal regions of Pakistan. He frets that more and more students are defaulting on their suicide-bomber school loans and are blowing themselves up before the loans even go into repayment. Often, it is left to the terror instructor to collect on the defaulted debt. Zabari wants this to end.
The FunnyNewz investigates on the growing problem...
“We are an suicide bombing terrorist institution, not a fucking collection agency,” said Zabari, while working on a bomb. “I mean, money doesn’t grow on rocks around here. I keep approving admission because there is an inexhaustible need for new suicide bombers, but I keep getting screwed in the end. We may have to convert over from a suicide bomb producing hate school to simply being a school of anti-American rhetoric. It looks like the latter would be much more profitable to run.”
Zabari says he plans to defray some of the cost though creative new programs such as a threatening to slaughter a family member of a suicide bomber if they don’t settle their educational loans before killing themselves and others.
“We don’t want it to have to come to this,” Zabari said, pausing to connect a few wires on a stick of dynamite, “But, what else can we do? The US has effectively frozen all assets of the "charities" that used to loan us money. Those funds have to come somewhere. These guys we recruit are already at the bottom of the barrel. Many don’t even know how to add. They could care less about their loans, much less about how I make ends meet.”
Zabari detailed some of the newer lending programs that might make it easier for students to enroll in institutions of higher carnage and propaganda. "We've created the Low Interest Osama Loan, which starts out with easily manageable interest only payments for the first couple months. Then, you have to pay the whole thing or we behead you," said Zabari.
Zabari said it is also a shaky financial model to loan money to people that will blow themselves up.
"When we showed our model to a group of Iranian investors - they shook their heads. They told us this model was almost as bad as the home lending industry in the U.S."
Zabari said that in a highly interconnected global economy it is tough to kill people without someone having to borrow money to do so.
“These are tough times... We have problems to be solved and worked out. Usually the only way we get funding is when our contributors are doing well in legitimate enterprises... So, it is a Catch 22.... We want to destroy the whole system that funnels money to us..." sighed, Zabari. "We won’t lose our heads over the loan defaults but family members of those who defaulted — they just might!”
Editor's Note: During the interview with the FunnyNewz, Zabari accidentally blew himself up.
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