Earthblog

The Tennis Ball Nutritional Approach is the latest diet craze to take
hold of Hollywood. Now, it is catching on in the rest of the nation. 

MIAMI — representing a radical departure from current medical opinions on nutrition, The Tennis Ball Nutritional Approach® is the latest diet craze to sweep Hollywood and the rest of the Lindsay Lohan types. Many predict the new Tennis Ball diet will go main stream soon, supplanting popular diets like Fatkins, Zone, Jenny Craig’s, Whale Watchers and Frank’s Fat Ass Farm as the new way of life among trendy health aficionados.

Unlike the food pyramid championed by the U.S. Food and Drug Administration and other diets, the Tennis Ball Nutritional Approach endorses mass consumptions of tennis balls—boiled, broiled, poached, grilled, and even deep fried, but more popularly, juiced. Tennis balls are believed to be low in caloric and carbohydrate value, yet high in essential fiber and other vitamin nutrients, followers of the diet believe.

Dr. Rachel Faddy of the Mayo Clinic, who wrestled with her weight for years, discovered the diet when during a late night eating binge she accidentally ate a tennis ball. The next day she awoke feeling a bit lighter than normal. She stepped on the scale and couldn’t believe it when it showed she had lost a whopping 25-pounds.

Faddy said the Tennis Ball Nutritional Approach not only includes the consumption of tennis balls, but is centered on the sport itself. She described a technique called "lob serving" a meal.

ZANESVILLE, OH - Expanding upon the success of the hit series CSI, which chronicles the trials and tribulations of a group of Las Vegas forensic scientists, a number of spinoffs soon followed, "CSI: Miami and CSI: New York." FNz has learned that CSI: Zanesville, OH was to follow in this pattern but was canned due to poor preliminary test marketing. Plus, almost everybody surveyed had little clue where Zanesville, OH was or why it would constitute an interesting expansion of the franchise.

Creator of the series, Anthony Zuiker states, "I guess we tried to get away cheaply with the latest expansion and paid the price, it was originally supposed to be Chicago, but we were getting killed with location and union fees. So, someone here had the bright idea that Zanesville, OH would be a great representative town of the Midwest. Turns out he was wrong, dead wrong. It got him fired."

The all-wood, gasoline-free Ford Woody, the latest from the brilliant minds of Ford Motor Co., runs on the principals of Newtonian physics.  In other words— “What goes up, must go down…. Or F = MA sort of thing…  The car must be pushed to high elevations and ridden down steep grades to run at all.  Passenger room is limited to three people that can squeeze into round wood holes and one person who must push the vehicle from behind.

DETROIT — Not since the Model-A of Henry T. Ford’s days has the automobile industry been turned upside-down like it is today in an effort to go green with luxury items.  Industry analyst believe it is about to happen again with the introduction of the world’s first “gas-free, all-wood” car to be introduced in North America in 2009.

“We are very proud to help wean the country from what President Bush (Cheney) regards as our addiction to fossil fuels.  The new Ford Woody aims to make that possible by eliminating gas consumption completely,” said Ford spokesperson James Longerfeld.

Jalal Zabari is a financial aid administrator for a suicide bombing school in the lawless tribal regions of Pakistan. Once a very lucrative business, Zabari frets that the global financial crisis is impacting their bottom line. He also cites a rise in suicide loan default rates, something he attributes to the fact that most borrowers usually kill themselves long before even making a payment.

THE LAWLESS TRIBAL LANDS OF PAKISTAN – Jalal Zabari runs a suicide-bomber recruitment center in an undisclosed location in the eastern parts of the lawless tribal regions of Pakistan. He frets that more and more students are defaulting on their suicide-bomber school loans and are blowing themselves up before the loans even go into repayment. Often, it is left to the terror instructor to collect on the defaulted debt. Zabari wants this to end.

The FunnyNewz investigates on the growing problem...

ATLANTA (FNz) - Plans are in the works for the commercialization of space.  Perhaps that is not surprising, but what should be is the current argument over how to divvy up all the advertising space available on the Moon and how to make the Moon generally more presentable as an advertising solution to today’s ever demanding global economy.

The Funny Newz attended the 2006 Catapulting Capitalism into Space Convention at the Georgia International Convention Center last weekend.  We discovered some otherworldly plans for the Moon.

“The Moon just begs to be an advertising venue,” said Nike footwear ad exec Tom Barkley. “Imagine the Nike swoosh painted across it—we sure can!”

Wal-Mart would like to paint the Moon yellow and carve out a big wide smiling face for all of mankind to see, said Madison Avenue ad executive Lamont Depardieu.

SNOWMANLAND AND CARROTNOSE - No two snowflakes are alike and so it goes with humans.  However, easy to miss is the plight of the modern-day snowman: an androgynous fluffy being made up of countless little snowflakes none of which are alike and usually packed together by children.  Surprisingly, we are not much different from snowmen and snowmen are not much different from us, The FunnyNewz has learned.

Snowmen live in Snowmanland, which is mostly situated in northern climes where it reaches below freezing.  Naturally, there is lots of snow.  Most hail from the barren (but oil-rich) North Pole region of the Earth.  Carrotnose, is separated from the rest of the country of Snowmanland by a small part of Elfland. Carrotnose is narrow icy land, which rises to a high interior plateau with basically more ice, snow, caribou and an occasional nut-job trying to reach the North Pole by dog sled.

The FunnyNewz presents an exclusive holiday look at the little understood race of the the Snowman...

EVERYWHERE IT IS COLD – We all know the stock image of Old Man Winter as a venerable and frail old looking man with flowing robes perhaps, a huge staff (now, now) and a beard as long as the cold winter months.

However, that is all changing now as Old Man Winter has undergone a radical update to his image, tantamount to those reality TV shows where they spruce up people who surely need a good sprucing.

“I feel freaking fantastic,” Old Man Winter told FunnyNewz.com. “I mean I know I’m not any younger, but the Botox has me looking like I did 40,000 years ago. Plus, I lost the robes, went to Super Cuts and shelled out some money for some new digs at Abercrombie & Fitch. It’s a new me. A fresher and younger Old Man Winter.”

Hello people, mostly humans and all non-classified sentient beings.  I am David J. Webb, the new Managing Editor and Earth Bureau Chief of The Funny Newz, a magazine which we have recently re-styled “The Universe’s Finest News Source” and for damn good reason: It is just that!   Before I get into why it is, I should start by stating: "No, we are not trying to get sued by The Onion. Or, maybe we are?"  After all, isn’t a lawsuit the greatest form of flattery?